Jealousy and guilt I've been feeling for a while. Lately I can't seem to bring myself to have something unhealthy without an anagonising debate in my mind whether I deserve it, how many calories could it be and then once I've eaten said item, I feel wracked with guilt and it's really beginning to worry me.
I have an addictive personality so I always have to be wary in life whether it's drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex or food. I have to take stock and make sure I'm not overdoing it, smoking I can't fix for now as I don't feel ready to give it up and I have to feel ready to give it up. I think I may be getting addicted to dieting and calorie counting as I'm finding it so difficult to let go. I'm trying to, i had a chicken butterfly breast burger and chips at wetherspoons with 2 pints of alcohol last night and that felt difficult to let go of. I wasn't going to go the gym today as I've been feeling so tired and keep suffering constant headaches but after last night and the upcoming weekend I felt too guilty not to go.
I don't want this healthy eating to control my life, I want to have a normal life and not be having this constant battle in my mind about whether I should eat. So I had a piece of new york cheesecake today, if I've worked my butt off and been really good all week, how much do I think a piece of cheesecake is really going to hurt me. When I go through phases of eating badly, I show no regard for my health whatsover but when I try and eat healthy I convince myself food is the enemy. This is just another issue I'm going to have to come to terms with. I have a bad relationship with food which I need to fix so I can be a healthy person who can have a burger once in awhile without having constant conflicts or be the opposite and eat burgers all the time because I believe it'll make me feel better about my problems. Food is either my comfort blanket or my enemy, I just want it to be somewhere in between.
Another emotion I've been feeling a lot lately is jealousy. I feel jealous of most people even some of my closest friends. I want to be happy for them but part of me just feels like what is the point? I'm always going to have these big boobs that hurt my back, big hips and a butt that make me feel huge and I'll always be short. In my head I guess I want to 5'8 and slim hipped with small shapely boobs but I can never be that person. I'm short and curvy and no amount of dieting is going to change that and I'm finding it hard to accept my body for what it is. I look around and feel angry, why don't I look like that? Yes I have a curvy shape but when I go shopping it makes me feel all the clothes out there weren't designed for me they were designed for this fantasy body I'll never achieve. I want to be happy and proud of myself for losing so much weight so far but part of me just feels like the short podgy girl no one will ever take a second glance at when I walk in room. I never used to feel invisible but lately I look at myself and feel like a ghost of me.
I walk down the street and part of me hopes I won't be noticed by anyone especially men as I don't think I can deal with it any more. Male strangers scare the hell out of me and I don't want to feel that way inside. The thought of man approaching me just fills me with anxiety. I don't know where this confidence crisis has come from, I think just my last relationship's break up hit me really hard and I haven't felt like myself since. It was 7 months ago and part of me is going "move on already!" "you weren't together for that long!" I think this year is the first time in a long time I haven't used having a boyfriend to give me confidence and I'm finding it hard to cope by myself and not have that boost from a partner. Losing weight isn't going to fix my problems with my confidence or my problems with the opposite sex and I don't know what will. So for now I'm gonna try and find ways to break out of this thought process, food isn't the enemy, men aren't the enemy and especially I'm not my enemy. I'm a good person and I need be a better friend to myself.
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