This is definitely more of a feelings blog than a practical weight loss blog as I'm trying to share the experience of weight loss. It's definitely not an easy process. Everyone even me automatically thinks that if I lost that 5, 10, 15, 20, 50lbs suddenly I'll feel amazing and the world will be at my feet as I'll feel so confident in my new "perfect" body. It's cheesy but happiness comes from within it's really nothing to with what you look like. I thought I'd feel way more confident and happy than I do by this point. I'm the slimmest I've been in 2 years, I should be jumping for joy and strutting my stuff but I'm not. I'm catching my reflection and I'm thinking, yeah that's more appealing but it's not good enough. The perfectionist nature and weight loss can be a dangerous mix as you're always striving for better which is a good quality in some aspects of life but will I ever be happy with what I look like?
I was watching Cherry's Body Dilemmas last night and I saw myself in all these women. I'd never get surgery but I saw the self hatred and I see it in myself. I looked over some old journals and I've had issues with food since at least 14, always feeling guilt about food even though I was a size 8-10 at that point and I felt fat and worthless and I think I've carried it with me a long time no matter what I've looked like. The idea of me being fat has been burnt into my brain, I think I've never come to terms with having a woman's body, sometimes my breasts feel alien to me like they're not meant to be that size and my hips are far too large even though I look completely normal. I became a woman on the outside but never accepted it on the inside.
I think a lot of it was how badly bullied I was during school and lot of the taunts were about my appearance,if I'm being more specific they were about everything my body, my face, my personality, my intelligence and stuff that wasn't even true. I think that scared self conscious girl is still inside of me and still rules the way I think about myself. I think a lot of my motivation in my life has stemmed from trying to prove a bunch of idiots wrong and I need to stop that in it's track. My success has to be for me I can't carry these demons with me forever.
On the flipside in this programme was a naturist and was at a camp with other naturists and were totally comfortable being naked and a women who was overweight who did a vintage clothes blog and gave up on dieting and threw away the scales and accepted her body as it was. I wish I had that acceptance about myself and could have that confidence. I know confidence doesn't come from your looks it comes from within and being happy in your own skin and with your life. I should really stop working so hard to lose this weight so quickly and channel some of that energy into finding what makes me happy. I feel like I've lost my spark, what makes me and what makes me happy lately. I'm floating around getting slimmer but I think I'm getting numb to it as I'm not happy.
Ever since my break up with Tim in January and my vow to be single this year I've had to come face to face with who I am and not focus on a man. It's hit me harder than I thought it would, for the first time in 7 years I've been truly alone and part of me wants to run into a new relationship to escape having to deal with all of this and throw myself into being a girlfriend rather than being Laura. I think I really have forgotten who I am outside of relationships. I feel like an empty shell that's been hollowed out by all the men I've know romantically bit by bit and after Tim it felt like there was really nothing left to offer or give to anyone.
I have to realise I have plenty to offer someone, I am a good person and when it's the right person they will be bring out the best in me and vice verse. But first I've got to come to terms with myself and find out what makes me happy outside of relationships so I'm going to sit down tonight and write a list of all the things that make me happy and attempt to do some of them. My life can't be all about one thing and it can't be all about this diet I need to distract myself from my thoughts about food and get out there and live my life. I don't want to look back and regret my time as a student simply because I felt too insecure or got too obsessed with a diet. Life is all about the little things that make you happy and I think everyone can take this message away from this blog
No comments:
Post a Comment