Right now I'm sitting here drinking some coffee knowing that I need to talk to someone. I thought I'd feel different coming back here knowing so many people but I feel just as lonely as that first day as to be honest this is the only way I can honestly talk about my feelings, writing them down. The words don't come when I'm in conversation they just get pushed further and further down. It's something that I wish could get better as there are very few people that can get the truth out of me, lying seems a lot easier even though I know its probably completely obvious, its easier.
I should feel amazing right? I've lost all this weight, my friends are paying me the most thoughtful compliments and have been so incredibly sweet and I'm thankful for them, I really am. By this logic I must be looking great but I feel the exact opposite. I know I'm smaller well I must be, a lot of the stuff I wore last year I had to leave at home because it was too big and i've been able to wear clothes I haven't worn since I was 18.
I need help to let go as whenever I've had a drink recently especially these last two nights. I haven't been able to let go and get drunk and have fun, I've been going at half speed. I haven't felt like myself and part of me thinks I was a lot more fun when I was bigger as right now thinking about a night out makes me panic. I think if I let go, I'm suddenly gonna put all two stone back on and all my work will have been for nothing.
I think of the calories I'll have to consume to line my stomach, the amount of calories in the alcohol, the post night out chip shop visit calories and the calories the following day when I'm craving greasy salty food. I've been in a safe routine of being able to monitor everything so carefully that alcohol scares me. I'm scared to lose control of the situation like I lost control of the situation with my weight. I don't want to go back to feeling bad about myself but I don't think I feel that much better at the moment.
Somehow I've got even less confident around men in general, I can't even look them in the eyes if they're not my friend and if they get too close I get freaked out or walk off or if I get paid a compliment I don't believe them. I feel like every one of them is just trying to play a cruel joke. I thought my confidence was rock bottom before and I thought I was getting better back home because I was able to lift my head when walking down the street alone but going on a night out in Aberystwyth has just made me doubt that progress.
I think I just need someone to help let go and not feel so worried about how I look or be scared of putting on weight. I went out for meals pretty much twice a day on holiday, I drank cocktails and did very little exercise and I only put on half a pound which I lost straight away so why I am so scared of letting go once a week? I think I'd have a lot more fun if I just went all out. I really want to be 'fat girl' rather than 'fit girl' at the moment as at least 'fat girl' had a good time.
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