Day 8: Meh

Food

Cornflakes and semi skimmed milk (172)
1 banana (80)
Tuna mayo sandwich (300)
1 packet of crisps (120)
1 yoghurt (88)
1/2 red onion, red pepper and cheddar quesdilla (300)
Pork roast with boiled potatoes and veg (600)
1 piece of cheese (50)
I ryvita cracker with cream cheese (90)

1800 total and might have another a little snack

No gym

I think I need to bring my calorie total up as I'm trying to keep it at 1500 but I feel like  I don't have energy, today wasn't the healthiest day AGAIN. Gym after work tomorrow, it'd probably be best if I could get to sleep before half 1 in the morning!

My heart has not been in cutting calories since last friday, I haven't made any overtly bad choices like stuffing my face with a kfc but I keep eating so much, I think I need to get to bed earlier as the munchies always strike at about 11 at night and I should be in bed by then!

I've got friday off work so after the hospital appointment I'm going to do a proper long gym session to make up for these days :)
I'm hoping for the last 6 weeks I'm home I can make more of an effort as I'm not in work after the next 4 weeks. Its so hard to diet while working in an office I just feel tired all the time and having people offer me sweets and cakes and I feel like I have no time to prepare my own meals :(

I really hate the way I look for the last few days, my ass and stomach are huge and protrude out of my body massively, sometimes I think am I imagining this? 29in waist and 39in hips, I'm not that big am I? and then I look in the mirror and think that I'm disgusting how could anyone ever look at me and think I'm attractive, I'm so grossly fat with huge rolls and my thighs chaff together like I'm this bulging beast.

I really wish I could see myself the way everyone around me does, my mind and body don't sink up. The only time I felt happy with the way I looked I was underweight, hips and collar bone jutting out of my skin, skin flaps for breasts, I could see my ribs and my chest bones and I thought I looked great...that sounds absolutely sick thinking about it? How can bones be sexy? I look at underweight women and think they look great and perfectly fine. I wish I could just accept the way my body is, no matter how much I lose I have curves. I wish it didn't feel so unnatural sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong body. It'd be nice to have men look at my face rather than my chest for once in my life. The way men look at me makes me feel a little sick inside. I just want to get back on track with my diet now and have the willpower to do this and fit into those jeans and walk down the street without thinking is everyone looking at my flabby pregnant looking belly? Are they looking at my big flabby arms? When in reality they're just looking at a girl walk past them maybe wondering why she struggles to look them in the eye.